LIFE AFTER LOSS AND THE UNEXPECTED GIFTS OF GRIEF

It's been a year since my wife graduated to heaven, and for the past few weeks I've been trying to gather my thoughts to express how out of the rubble of what I thought was my shattered life, God is painstakingly assembling a new foundation of faith, hope, and an eternal perspective that I could have never imagined possible.

A quote came to mind that I've heard many times before.  It goes like this:

"I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to learn to solve.
I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome.
I asked for love, and God gave me people to help.
I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed."  
- Hazrat Inayat Khan

I vividly recall the fateful year of 2022 when our long-time landlord delivered the dreaded notice! After nearly two decades of calling that place home, we were being forced to vacate! We were shocked. Where would we go? How could we possibly find a suitable and affordable new home in such a short time?
Just when all hope seemed lost, God showed us our new home and when I say "God showed us" I really mean it. It is another God story all together.  It was the most beautiful and perfect home for us that we could have ever imagined.  We were both grateful and in my gratitude I prayed the same prayer over and over again: "Lord, let me grow in all aspects of my life, in this new home and in this new chapter of our journey, for Your glory."

For some reason I had certain expectations. I thought, God would push me out of my comfort zone a little, so I would become a stronger person.
Little did I know, that He had a far more profound and transformative journey in store for me. Instead of a gentle nudge, He sent me into the heart of a raging storm. A journey through pain, depression, and fear that threatened to consume me while at the same time offering me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Being a follower of Christ can really seem like a paradox sometimes - but only if you have unbiblical expectations.

First, I got sick with an extremely painful herniated disc that kept me out of work for seven months. Then, when I was ready to start working again, my equipment broke down and I couldn't afford to buy new equipment (as an independent freelancer, that could be a death sentence).
A friend organized a fundraiser for us and it was slowly making progress, but two weeks into the fundraiser my wife died of a heart attack in the car.
Now the love of my life was gone.  Just like that. On top of that, I had no car, my wife's income was gone, funeral expenses loomed, and so on.  The weight of these challenges, coupled with the intense depression and anxiety that now consumed me, was unbearable.

God's thoughts and ways are far beyond our own limited human understanding (Isaiah 55:8-9). He enters the intimate spaces of our lives to shape and refine us. Through trials, challenges, and divine interventions, God works to transform us, strengthening our faith, restoring our brokenness, and revealing more of His glory.
And He does this without compromising His righteousness, His faithfulness, His love, and His goodness.

Just a few weeks ago, after almost a year without the love of my life, having faced the darkness of depression and the fears that threatened to consume me, I had to make the conscious decision to stop giving in to the darkness and instead, start living what I profess to believe - the unwavering truth of God's love and guidance that says: "Rejoice when the world tells you there is nothing to rejoice about."  It is a work in progress - but I'm determined!

Last year I thought I lost everything. But God taught me that this is not the case.  Instead of focusing on what has been taken away, God wants me to shift my perspective and recognize the immense blessings that remain, and new blessings that are being revealed as I walk with Him in this new chapter of my life.

My relationship with my wife has not ended. She is in Heaven, where she wanted to be, healed, waiting for me in the presence of God.
My relationship with God has intensified with a much deeper understanding of who He is.  He has given me a clearer vision of Heaven and my own purpose in this world.
And best of all, He blessed me with the joy that comes from a healthy longing to go home one day.

Don't get me wrong, grief will be a lifelong companion for me. However, I'm trying to view it not as a burden, but as a "welcome visitor" - a reminder of the love I shared with my wife, and the promise of being reunited with her again. I believe that healthy grief honors the one you have lost.

I recognize that I have a choice in how I approach my grief. I could allow it to consume me, making it a kind of false "god" that dominates my life. Or, I can embrace the truth and comfort offered by my Heavenly Father. He calls me to rejoice, promising a peace that transcends all understanding. This divine peace is able to fill me with a joyful anticipation, as I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with my wife in the eternal glory of Heaven.

When I look through the lens of my faith, I have the chance to see that even in the midst of the deepest tragedy, there is a wellspring of hope and joy waiting to be tapped. It is the steadfast love of God that has the power to transform our tears into triumph, and our mourning into dancing.

No matter how deep our sorrow may be, it is ultimately overshadowed by the boundless joy that awaits us in the life to come.